Thursday, May 17, 2018

I Love Mornings!

I love mornings!

I wrote those words yesterday morning and my head had a half hearted idea about what I may write next. But what happened next was "The Bird" post which fell straight out of my heart, through my fingertips and onto the page.

I love when that happens.

Which brings me back to yesterday morning's thoughts. My love for "morning" has returned. I wake up, allow my thoughts to linger, then hop out of bed and into the day with a quiet anticipation of what lies in store.

My inability and lack of desire to open my eyes, let alone get out of bed and confront the day during the The Longest Winter of my life seems to be behind me. I wake up, "great ideas" come to me, I act on them, I write a little, I figure a little, I dream a little ...

Yes, my dream state has been reactivated.

I don't have a bucket list and doubt I ever will. What I have instead, are little scraps of paper where I write down ideas as they come to me:
These are the highlights of one side of a scrap of a paper in front of me at the moment. On the back of that same tiny piece of paper are dates of up and coming commitments.

I can write down a date in the future without feeling great angst overcome my being once again. This is new. This is SO new!

Life had a lot of lessons to dole out over the course of the past seven years or so. Yes, I remember the initiating incident. It was March 11, 2011 - I started writing about it here: "When Life as You Know It ... Isn't".

As I scan a few of the posts I wrote after the "initiating incident", I can clearly see my search for the lessons immediately in the aftermath. I wrote the words:

"Challenges force me to confront issues. One always has a choice in life. Do I choose to do nothing and expect nothing [should read] something to change? Do I have any control over any aspect of this situation? Is there any way that a compromise can be made? Do I have the courage to make a change?"

As I reread those words, I can replay incidents where I acted and reacted to what happened next according to the way I processed life after that point in time.

Seven years. The list of "what happened next" scrolls through my mind like the opening scene of a Star Wars movie. The list is long. There was so much loss during that time. So many life transitions. So many lessons ...

There have been ups and downs, hills and valleys, so many memorable moments and no matter how much sadness there was stirred into the mix, gratitude and acceptance sifted to the top every time. Every time.

As I started the walk of The Year After Mom, I lost my way. I lost the identity that "Being Mom's Daughter" gave me. I had no idea how much of myself was wrapped up in the way I defined myself.

The lessons just keep coming.

As I opened my eyes, cleared the fog and became open to receive the wisdom of the world around me, a few quotes seemed to be reoccuring.

Children are often asked "What do you want to DO when you grow up?" It has been suggested that the better question is "Who do you want to BE?" I  just listened to Abby Wambach's commencement address she gave for the Barnard College Class of 2018. She encompassed these questions and summarized by saying, "What you DO will never define you. Who you ARE ... will."

My identity is no longer wrapped in the word "daughter". Yes, I am still a daughter. I can label myself in any number of ways. But more importantly, "Who do I want to BE?" is the question I must ask.

If I could be described in one word, what would I want that word to be? I believe if I could simply be defined as "kind", that is who I would want to be, become and remain true to BEING. That would be enough.

If you feel like you are losing your way ... have lost part of how you identify yourself ... are wandering aimlessly without passion and drive ... ask yourself, "Who do I want to BE?"

I truly believe that once a person's energy is clearly focused on something, they unconsciously start drawing an energy toward themselves which makes that outcome possible. BE who you want to become and lets watch the results unfold together!

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