Not the Post I Expected to Write...

I was sitting in the middle of a glorious Sunday when I had a flash of the feeling of waking up to "today". STOP!!, I shouted to myself without saying a word. DON'T GO THERE!! I stopped that train of thought before it left the station and was left paralyzed with the knowledge that my weekend hours were numbered.

I woke up this morning and this Goalcast video awaited me: (https://www.facebook.com/goalcast/videos/1780159512061231/)  It was that of a young man who was told he had mere weeks to live without treatment. His message was one of: "be grateful for the people in your life"; "there is no excuse not to live life fully"; "you owe it to your people to go out and do your best". And he ends with "what a fantastic way to start each day".

I am living the dream. I wake up in my warm, comfy bed each morning. I have the ability to:

• spring out of bed
• throw in a load of laundry
• prepare my breakfast/lunch/supper meals for the day ahead 
• sit leisurely in front of my computer and connect to the world all around me...
• ... as I mentally prepare myself for the work day/week ahead of me
• then DRIVE off in my car - to go wherever I need or want to go
• and so much more. So very much more

I am fortunate to have good health, work that not only sustains our way of living but I work for people who nourish my need to learn/make a difference/feel respected. 

I live in a world without fear, I have all I need right here under our own roof. I have not only a house, but a home to return to each and every day.

I am gifted beyond words with my family. The past year put us all in the same arena together and we made a formidable team. We faced life, illness, death and dying as one cohesive unit. I was a useful part of that team. 

I'm feeling a tad lost out here in the world alone again. The "alone" part is that of my own doing. I could be (should be? probably will be one day sometime soon?) inviting people into my days and finding my way again. 

I AM part of a few teams ... I am making a difference in the work I do. I am a vital part of what makes things work. But there is one difference. I don't have the back up unit of "family" to walk through this. Yes, I am supported and supportive. But I am weak when I am on my own doing the things I do. 

I am part of two independent units/families. I know and feel their gratitude and support. But it isn't the same. I'm not part of the family unit. There is a subtle difference when you are on the outside. It is almost unperceptive. But it's there. 

I knew (and still know) my family had my back not only last year but all the years that preceded it. I am in a similar but different set of arenas at the moment. I am where I am, because I am needed. 

I don't know if I have all the tools I need to take me where I need to go. In fact last week, I was reminded of how much I have yet to learn. It just about brought me to my knees.

I see where things are going. There are no happy endings here. 

I knew where things were headed this time last year. There wasn't a happy ending. I knew there wouldn't be. 

Last year, my siblings had my back each and every step of the way. I knew no more about what to do next last year, than I do this year. I just kept showing up. Doing the next right thing. Forgiving myself at the end of each day for the mistakes I made along the way and all that I didn't know. I woke up each morning and simply did my best. Forgave myself regularly. Showed up. Rinse and repeat.

This year, I feel like an island. I have people to turn to for support, guidance and to talk with. But I'm on the outside. It is not my role to lean in and take what I need from my support systems. My role is to relieve their pressure. This is different ...

And I can't run home to Mom's and find some relief. I'm afraid I leaned on Mom during her final year. She heard more than she needed to hear about some of the load I was carrying. 

I have two mother figures in my life but they are not Mom. Man! I miss her today ....

This is not at all what I had in mind when I sat down here with my cup of coffee this morning. I need to get back to the beginning of this post and take what I need from what I learned over at Goalcast:

"Be grateful for the people in your life"

"There is no excuse not to live life fully"

"You owe it to your people to go out and do your best"

"What a fantastic way to start each day"

I am.

I know this.

I do.

It is.

So begins another new day. I'm grateful for this. I will show up. I will do my best. I will forgive myself for any errors of my ways along the way. Rinse and repeat. 

Then I'll do it all over again.