Thank you, Facebook. You saved me from myself once again.
I woke up feeling bluer than blue. Perhaps even bluer than navy. I felt black. I felt dark. I felt like there was a hole in my heart.
I thought "What in the world am I going to write about when I feel like this? I do not want to perpetuate this feeling!"
What you think about you bring about.
Your thoughts become your words .
I needed to climb off this train headed no where and jump onto the back of a steed headed somewhere.
I made my morning smoothie and cup of coffee. I sat down in front of the computer thinking dreary thoughts. "What am I going to read this morning?" (most of the blog authors I read do not post on the weekends).
I turned to Facebook with little hope of finding anything new there either because I had read it late last night when I finally sat down to eat my supper around 11:00 p.m.
Then I found a quiz that intrigued me. "Which Disney Mom Are You Most Like?"
I was disheartened when the questions were too black and white. I'm a middle-of-the-road kind of girl. Having to choose black OR white, I had little hope this silly little quiz (I am deluded to believe these quizzes have true validity) would capture my essence.
This was my result. Other than the last sentence, I think it captures the-mother-in-me pretty good:
I needed to reroute my thoughts this morning. I woke up feeling absolutely lost. And this Disney Mom comparison reminded me of who I am (not who I hope to be).
I sat down smack dab in the middle of my most favorite world last night. And I didn't belong there. Was it because I forgot to bring my 'glass slippers'? Was it because I was sitting three chairs away from my Happily Ever After?
I felt like Cinderella after her step sisters destroyed the beautiful gown that Cinderella and her forest friends had created. I felt tattered and torn. And my Fairy Godmother did not cast a spell upon me which lasted until midnight.
I went as I was, bad haircut and all.
I sat and I dreamed of the days I enjoyed basking in the energy, the fun and feeling like a part of a whole.
I miss my dancing days. But I just don't know if I can picture myself returning to them either.
It was as if my dream bubble popped last night. "You don't fit here any more" is what I felt. It was NOT my reality though. I sat among people I knew. I felt a kinship with those I had attended so many dance functions with. I was in a place where a lot of people knew my name...
Except I didn't feel like I was living up to the name I had 'created' within those dancing walls. I felt like a shadow of who I used to be. A shadow with bad hair, comfy shoes and an outfit which screamed DON'T LOOK AT ME!!
If I could have vanished into thin air, I would have.
I was so disappointed in myself. I created all of those feelings within my little brain all by myself. I did not have the assistance of anyone else.
I exited quietly long before midnight. I didn't race down the stairs and loose a glass slipper. My comfy Doctor Scholl's shoes took me from "A" to "B".
It wasn't a dream. It wasn't a fairy tale. It was real life. And I failed.
I woke up this morning feeling lost and forlorn and extremely 'navy'.
Then I took that Facebook Quiz and it reminded me who I am. Who I have been. Who I will always be.
My role of Sarabi is a part of my life story. The mother of 'lion cubs'. I am more than a mother. But being a mom has always grounded me and helped me make the best decisions when the chips were down.
It may be time to reexamine what else I want to do with my life. But as I head off tomorrow, to spend the next three days nestled in among my family and my First Born Son, I will be reminded of the other starring roles I have in my life. Daughter and Sister.
I think I just need to be with my family right now. Maybe the dancing dreams will return one day. Just not today ...