Guilt

Add one part guilt to an already overloaded equation of too much work and not enough play in my day and I was a small bit of a hot mess.

I felt like a petulant child as I drove to work yesterday morning. I didn't want to go. I needed to stay home. I should spend some time taking My Youngest out driving. Our Senior Cat needs to spend a 'cat day' with me. I. Need. To. Breathe.

So I did one thing.

I parked my car outside the house of my employer. And I made a call. I called My Youngest's father to see if he could take Our Son out driving. Please. I whined. I wanted to cry. But I didn't. I simply asked for help.

Then I worked. And it was good.

I came home with one of those pre-made suppers from the grocery store. A small roast chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy and Caesar salad. I moaned and belly ached (quietly) as I put our meal together. I got pots, pans and dishes dirty. It (felt like) it took forever to assemble our pre-made meal. Finally, finally it was ready.

My Son didn't like the smell of the pre-made mashed potatoes. "Put gravy on them. Gravy can save anything", I insisted. He didn't. He sprinkled a small amount of chicken over his Caesar salad and was happy.

I could have picked up McDonald's, had an instant, on-the-spot meal and thrown away all of the containers for the price of this 'luxurious' meal that I had assembled. All in the name of guilt. Granted, I have enough left overs to feed my daycare crowd lunch today. I also have chicken broth so I can make My Son's favorite meal - home made chicken soup. I couldn't have gotten that much mileage out of a McDonald's meal.

My Son is fifteen years old. He needs next to nothing from me (and that is about exactly what he has been getting). He does enjoy the odd 'home cooked' supper now and again (and that is about exactly all I have been providing for him over the course of my three-working-weekends). He simply needs me to take him out driving.

Last night I told him that I could cancel my blood donation appointment tonight so that we could go driving before his next driving lesson tomorrow. He seemed good with that. I think that is our plan. I am skipping out of a blood donation (I can easily rebook that), in favor of doing One Small Thing for My Son.

I had a dream this morning ...

My son and I were sitting in the living room savoring the moment (we were probably watching our cats ... my dream memory is very hazy on this point). All I know is that we were both absolutely, completely and totally in our glory. I said, "Let's skip today - you can skip school. I will call in sick. Let's just skip out on everything today."

It felt beyond marvellous. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of doing the right thing. My Son is almost grown and needs so very little from me. But we have our moments. And we were going to revel in them.

Then I woke up. Ahhh ... the idea of 'skipping school' with My Son still felt unimaginably wonderful.

So yes, I will reschedule my appointment to donate blood. I will go out driving with My Son. After we eat home made chicken soup. I will close my eyes and trust My Son's new driving skills. His head knows the mechanics of what he must do behind the wheel. He simply needs to practise. I need to relax and enjoy the moment.

I am going to appease my guilt tonight. And it will be good.