It Must Have Been a Dream

I woke up this morning with the vague recollection of a specific topic and blog post that I was going to write today. The concept was as clear as a bell ... but the reality was as clear as mud. I will write the words as they come to me this morning. There may not be a central theme to this post but maybe I'll find something as I wade through the words in my head.

I have not been able to keep this low grade achiness out of my words lately. I don't want to lose this feeling of loss because there are those that are close to me that are going through their own grieving process and though life goes on, life as they knew it will never be the same. I don't want to forget the perspective that I have gained as I have walked this path ...

My mom called last night and she spoke of this feeling that is hard to pin down and name. When you lose a person that is not a part of your day-to-day life there is a feeling that they are not really gone. Life goes on much as it did before and you feel a small bit guilty that you just carry on. I have been slow to release this sense of loss because it simply feels ... wrong.

Last night, I visited a friend that is battling her own set of health challenges. It has been an uphill battle for her but she seems to have the upper hand at the moment. I hope that she wins a few rounds now that she has regained her fighting spirit. She has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. She is determined to push the dates the doctors have given her beyond their expectations. What does she know that the rest of us don't? An approximation of the 'time she has left'. None of us will live forever. Why do we think we are any different than my friend?

I have booked a dance lesson for next week. Perhaps I should have tried to go this week but I simply didn't want to. Not yet. I know that I must get out and resume life as I knew it. But I have put it off until next week.

I am slowly pushing myself out of the house and back into life as I knew it. I feel different. I haven't figured out yet if that is good or a bad.

What was the topic that alluded me? It had something to do with visiting my friend. It was just within my fingertips. I had a title and I knew that the words would flow easily after I wrote it. Once I was fully conscious and awake I couldn't retrieve the information again. It was gone. It must have been a dream.