Where I Am Meant to Be

I have been struggling with my new 'career' choice.

The hours (or lack of) ... the unreliable pay cheques ... unpredictable days ... and do I even really want to do what I'm doing!?!

It seems funny that the lack of benefits, holiday pay and pension is really not even a concern. I learned long ago that the benefits of raising my own child and being the kind of mom that I want to be was a benefit that far outweighed dental coverage and sick days.

None the less, these past months have been a challenge that I wasn't expecting. So I've struggled.

I have questioned if I am just being lazy. Maybe I should get a 9 - 5 job, Monday to Friday (if a job like that exists any more) and enjoy the benefits of a secure pay cheque, paid holidays and a few of the luxuries a stable job provides.

But I keep going back and trying to make this 'new life' work. Even after last month's experiment where I made a conscious choice not to obsess about the instability of my pay cheques, I have come up fighting. I am determined to keep with it and see this through. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I just know there is!

Despite this valiant effort to talk myself through this, I have many doubts. They were all relieved a few nights ago as I was saying good night to My Youngest.

He said to me, "It seems like you are never home any more ....". Immediately, I cringed. The truth hurts. I have been gallivanting around a lot lately. Between Zumba, Bellyfit and dancing I seem to be flitting from one activity to the other all week. I knew the day of reckoning would come.

I went on to admit that I have been out a lot and was prepared to have a chat about this. And he cut me off to say, "No - it's not that. You are never here when I come home from school any more. I come home to find a note ..."

What? I have been here, there and everywhere after supper (for a few hours at a time) ... and what really matters to him is that I am home for him after school?? My after-supper-life doesn't bother him (as long as I'm home before he has to go to bed)!

His wants are simple. He's had a mom that has been home for all 12 years of his life. And he still wants that. Our conversations after school are almost non-existent. A brief acknowledgement between us, I may or may not ask about his day or if he has homework. Basically nothing. But I am here (sometimes).

Immediately, my doubts about this career choice were alleviated. I work an unpredictable schedule. I have no idea what my pay cheque will be at the end of the month. But I am striving to work from home to 'be here' on the chance that My Youngest may need me.

I am where I am meant to be.