The Difference a Month Can Make

The months seem to be slipping through my fingers all of a sudden. Three months from now, I will be settling into my new life away from the one I know well. Three months.

I thrive on deadlines. This is one big reason I do believe it is in my best interest to continue to work for the foreseeable future. 

I have two casual job positions to move toward. Two opportunities to push myself out of my comfort zone at home and into the real world of people, interaction, responsibility and challenge.

I foresee quiet in my future. Time to nourish my thoughts, sit in them, write a little, feel a lot and walk through them. It is time to defrost the numbing habits I have developed and go forward from there.

I anticipate meeting new people and developing relationships. I am going "home" again. Family. Roots. Connection. I am starting to feel the tingling one feels when their frozen fingertips are coming back to life. 

I can feel the flutter of anticipation as I meet (and beat!) work deadlines. I read an article on de-cluttering and visions of filling boxes danced through my head. 

"What brings you joy?", Marie Kondo asks. Make room for the future, I tell myself.

The last time I gave this house a thorough purging was when my daycare was winding down to a close. I released the excess and made room for whatever life had in store. Unbeknownst to me at the time, I was making room for Mom's belongings after she died. I have not purged since.

I look at Mom's collection of books. Some books are most definitely "Mom" and speak to me as well. Other books will never be touched. Am I ready to let those go?

I think of my ballroom dancing days and the accessories I amassed during that time. I would love to dance again but my days of excess glitter and shine? I may keep a little but I'm ready to let go of a lot.

I picture the small little home of my future and my desire to move much less than I presently own. Garage sales are in my future. The real bonus of a garage sale is actually cleaning the garage. It has been five years since the garage was cleaned.

One step at a time. Meeting deadlines has pushed me out of a slump I had been marinating in for far too long. Moving toward the future I see for myself will push me where I need to be. Then what?

It is all in my hands from there. 

Creating the life I saw for myself when we drove off the farm when I was nine years old. That nine-year-old little girl sobbing in the back seat of the car, making a solemn vow "I will grow up, become a teacher and move back". 

I grew up. I ran a daycare in lieu of teaching. I am finally moving back home. Not exactly where I grew up, but literally to where I was born.

Full circle.

Oh, the difference one month can make when we do nothing at all but let life unfold in its own way, in its own time:

March 10th

April 14th

Just imagine the potential of what could unfold when you take the reins and steer your life toward the direction you hope for.

The possibilities are endless. The reality may be entirely different. Believe "you are exactly where you are meant to be", try not to "sweat the small stuff", do what is within your control and have faith it will all work out in the end ...

April 18th

Reality may surprise you.

A Multi-Topical Post

I'm sitting in the middle of a natural "high" at the moment. Brought to me courtesy of: completing a task BEFORE a long weekend; savoring the moment of a Friday off; persevering through a challenging month; the satisfaction of the month-end credit card balance equaling $0.00; AND the morning-after elation of my 20% off shopping at Shoppers.

Where to begin? Where to begin?

I have a list of "hard things" to accomplish within my office-that-lives-at-home. There is a bonus to the satisfaction of completing these tasks due to the fact I chose my resignation date to coincide with completing, filing and finalizing all year-end tasks before my end date. Each of these tasks has a bonus prize of being the last time I am responsible for its completion. ONE big job done has paved the way for what must follow. The hard part is over.

Month-end. It snuck up on me this month. I knew I had one big deadline to meet by March 31st. What surprised me was the fact that March 31st landed on a Sunday, with Friday being a holiday. All month-end tasks were due by Thursday (March 28th). And I did it! 

I thrive on deadlines. Wishy washy "do this when you have time" goals are my enemy. Tell me I have a week? It's done. Hormones are spiked and I'm riding a natural high that endures longer than most anything else I can imagine.

Our life has been sprinkled with the reality of living life. Our senior cat's bloodwork revealed he has Stage 3 Chronic Kidney Disease. We are managing this with a renal cat food diet. Dry cat food is being consumed at a near-regular rate of speed, we've supplemented his diet with canned renal cat food and we have water dishes available in multiple areas. This has brought him back to where he was about a month ago. Litter conditions are unchanged so my unofficial diagnosis is his stomach is still not tolerating his food as well as it should. But we are enjoying his presence in our lives for as long as he is comfortable. 

A reminder that life is a temporary condition always feels like a surprise. Renewed appreciation of the small stuff is the reward.

I have been getting up an hour earlier, which has given me the illusion of extra time. The morning hours have always been my favorite. Time before the rest of the world wakes up feels more sacred. I've been prepared to step into my office at a reasonable hour without sacrificing the time it takes to recharge my own batteries.

Ahhh. Taking care of oneself without guilt of stealing time out of (what should be) work hours. Guilt-free pleasures are the best.

Speaking of taking care of myself, I have been diligently trying to take better care of this body I inhabit. Drinking water and spacing my vitamins and blood pressure medication two hours apart has become a full time job. I'm considering cutting out one of my vitamins to save time (and money). Then I added the complication of making a goal of meeting my daily fiber and calcium requirements. I'm so full from nuts/fiber and dairy, that I have little desire for actual meals. I do need to add some form of exercise (walking) into this routine but honestly! When will I have the time? I'll have to squeeze it into my day before my consumption of liquids necessitates the close proximity of washroom facilities.

What goes in, must come out. I am literally flushing my system. All day, every day. I (should) feel so clean inside.

Speaking of clean, I have yet to add a thorough cleansing of our home to my regimen. Thriving on deadlines is not serving me well as yet. I am planning on moving throughout the month of July. I have 3 months to procrastinate. Thirty years at one address will not pack up in a day. I have convinced myself that completing my work related tasks will free up the energy levels required to start dealing with the excess of possessions around here. I hope I'm right.

Packing up a full-time job and office, with the addition of emptying a home feels daunting. ONE step at a time.

I love and look forward to my personal month-end tasks. The games I play within my budget scheme are plentiful. They provide challenge, entertainment and joy. Let me tell you about my most recent joyful moment ...

Our weekly milk requirements revolve around senior's 20% off days at Shoppers. The bonus of Seniors Day at Shoppers is the minimum age requirement - 55 years. You better believe I mentioned this gift in my brother's 55th birthday card. It is a rite of passage and I have owned it. Add the association between Superstore's bonus points being added to the Shopper's Optimum card and it is a winning combination. 

Thanks to a bonus offer I couldn't refuse, I easily amassed $30.00 worth of points on my Optimum card. After an extremely expensive month, I opted to cash in $20.00 worth of those points when I made my weekly purchase. Add that to my 20% off savings and look at what I bought for $3.17 last night!!

Look at all that calcium and fiber!! $3.17!!! I am over the moon!

I need to save all the pennies I can. I have another expensive month on the horizon. New summer tires, an oil change, a few social outings (being reclusive is a much more affordable hobby), refilling my quarterly prescription, a hair cut and an unhealthy cat equals financial insecurity into my regularly scheduled life.

April is right around the corner and I'm already anticipating the satisfaction of enduring yet another month and summing it all up with my favorite number. Zero. Zero credit card balance + a near-zero savings account balance isn't my favorite combo, but it's better than the alternative.

All this and it is a holiday Friday to boot. Life just doesn't get any better ...

Moving Toward

There has been a shift in my mindset lately. My focus is where I am heading instead of where I am.

My regularly scheduled stressors have felt more manageable because the end is near. My work here is (almost) done. I must accomplish what needs to be done, lay the groundwork for what happens next and let it go.

The bigger picture is what I am moving toward. Settling into my little weekend oasis which will become my new permanent home. HOME. Home ...

I am picturing and imagining how I will make this shared cabin-feeling house into a place where I am making decisions based on my personal preferences. No cats, dependents or anyone but me need to be taken into consideration.

I got married and moved out of home when I was 17 years old. I went from living with Mom, Dad and my brother to living with my husband. Then we had a baby. 

There have been two additional, well spaced out children added to my dependent-count as well as a rotating number of dogs, (mostly) cats and a few pet rodents (a few wild ones too). My marriage was one of an on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again (repeat one more time) variety and my second long term relationship never resulted in sharing a roof. 

There were 14 years of full-time daycaring, when almost all home repair, improvement and renovations were made based on the necessity of having a child-friendly home. 

Then came the years (three and counting) of bookkeeping from home. One bedroom dedicated 100% to a home office, file storage space encompassing half of the available floor space in a second bedroom and a holding space for three (very) large filing cabinets in our "flex space" (ie - room without a purpose). 

I have always shared my home with others. Even when my children were on a holiday or away for some reason, there was always a four-footed critter afoot, to explain away any bumps in the night. 

I have never lived alone.

In just over three months, I am moving into a dependent-free; cat-free; and (almost) office-free home. My foot is in the door, with a casual job position in my new home town. I am close enough to start imagining how life will look and feel when I am there.

I have a renewed appreciation for where I am, because I know it is not where I am going to stay. I'm moving forward and toward a renewed life.

I am looking at our generic cabin-like house and beginning to see beyond what is and envisioning what it can become.

Ahhh ... to look forward and allow myself to dream again. There is much work to be done to get from "here" to "there" but the mere act of moving toward a goal is life affirming.

A shift in perspective is hard to come by when a person is in the thick of coping with life-as-it-is. Moving toward a small goal is a baby step in the right direction.

An Expensive Quarter

I spotted a quarter on the ground as soon as I took a step off our back door deck. One rarely finds loose change these days, so I held on to it so I could tell my sister of my good fortune during our walk.

We walked and talked, and talked and walked, as we always do. Then all of a sudden I slipped on a small patch of ice and my newly found quarter flew out of my hand. I still hadn't gotten around to telling my sister my most recent good news, so it hadn't made it to my pocket yet.

The moment the quarter skidded across the icy patch, I quickly told my sister why I was holding onto it. Of course I was going to retrieve my quarter (most likely my son's quarter, but we'll figure out custody at a later date). 

My sister immediately recoiled. She thought I was going to break through the ice and land in the puddle of water which was beneath it. I was not afraid. Twenty five cents is twenty five cents. It was a lucky quarter and I went after it.

I made it back to the safety of the walking path and then I slipped. Allegedly, my head was mere centimeters from hitting the pavement, but that was lost on me. My glasses slipped and one of my lens' popped out onto the ground. 

Oh well. Easy fix. I maintained ownership of the quarter (now safely tucked into my pocket) and put the lens from my glasses in the same pocket. Still holding my disabled glasses in the same hand I'd been holding the quarter (I didn't want to take the chance of bending the frame so I didn't pocket them). 

You know where this is going, don't you?

You're right. Nearing the end of our walk, I decided to take the chance on putting the glasses into my pocket. As I did so, I dropped them on the icy ground. Undoubtedly, lens down. I'm fairly certain the lens is scratched. Hmphf.

All for the sake of a quarter. A rather expensive find indeed.

P.S. My knee feels bruised as well - but without the satisfaction of a purple and blue discolorment, all I have left, is the "ouch" of not wanting to kneel on that knee today. 

I do feel fortunate I didn't land on my face though. It was a pretty cheap tumble after all.

Hidden Blessings

Life threw us a few curve balls this past week ...

Our Senior Cat in Residence took a sharp turn for the worse one day. The vet cured his sneezing and excessive mucous condition, but almost immediately after he completed his dose of antibiotics things started to change.

I thought it was an side effect of the medication. I assumed once the antibiotics were out of his system he would be back to his regular self. I was wrong.

Litter conditions changed, there was another somewhat steep decline in food consumption. In the past, when one cat lost some weight, the second cat gained it. Total cat weight stayed the same. Food consumption remained static. This was not the case.

When the cat food started to last much longer than usual several months ago, my thoughts immediately went to the cost savings. Instead of going through one bag every four weeks, it was lasting five weeks. When my daughter commented on the recent decline in cat food consumed, along with our Senior Cat losing more weight, it raised alarm bells.

Then one day (it seemed suddenly, but in actuality it had been happening gradually for quite some time), Senior was laying down in odd spots throughout the day. The bathroom tiled floor, the bathtub and en route to wherever he was going. By nightfall, I noticed his walking was severely compromised. He was wobbling and could barely stand, let alone walk. My daughter had observed the same and we convened in the hallway where he stalled. 

This was serious. It felt like it happened overnight (it didn't). I honestly wondered if he would make it through the night. My daughter slept with one eye and two ears open all night (she didn't sleep). He made it.

In unrelated events (but I promise to tie the two subjects together) ...

The next morning, our internet went out. Just as I was thinking how fortunate we were that the city was grading our back alley, POOF! Our services were cut (literally - the grader dug up our internet cable which had not been buried). After a phone call to our service provider and some troubleshooting, we were put on a two day wait list for a service call.

The perfect storm ended up being a blessing in disguise.

No internet = more family time + a sick cat = lots of desire to talk it through.

Long story short, we took our cat to the vet and her suspicion is our cat's kidneys aren't functioning properly. Blood tests will confirm or deny, but the cure's starting cost is medication at the cost of approximately $130 per month PLUS a new diet of special renal cat food. She did give our cat one pill which stimulated his appetite and the increase of nutrients definitely smoothed things out the past few days. But it isn't a cure. We firmly believe our cat is in his end days.

Our missing internet connection provided the best conditions we could wish for, as my ability to work was hampered and my daughter's desire to be on the computer was thwarted.

We talked, we reminisced, we simply sat with each other's company while enjoying moments with our ailing kitty.

It was the worst of times, but we managed to turn them into the best moments one could hope for under the circumstances. There can be small blessings buried deeply within some of the hardest of times. 

Ray's favorite resting spot has been on the register of the bathroom for quite a spell now.
I added the comfort of the softest hand towel we have and he seems to appreciate my effort.

**Update - a recent check-in brought encouraging news. Ray seems to be doing well and appears to be walking normally. His blood tests are still pending. My hope is perhaps a change of "gold-nugget" cat food (Ray has been on an expensive special gastro-intestinal diet since shortly after we adopted him) may ease us through this next phase. Who knows? We can hope for the best...**

After the Storm - 2 Weeks later

Written a week ago (and abandoned) ...

A week after the storm has passed, it is looking a lot like Christmas around here. Christmas - with longer daylight hours, a warmer sun and spring not too far away.

We were fortunate my son dug us out with his skid steer. He made short work of what would have been more hours and muscle power than I can imagine. It was much of an issue as to where to put the snow, but the man-hours required to take on the job would have been monumental.

The resulting snow pile in the front yard brought back warm memories of my daycaring days, when one of my dads (whose winter work included snow clearing and removal) dumped a load of snow for the kid's entertainment. Making the most out of winter includes snow forts, snow hills, snow-people, frolicking in snow piles and simply enjoying the gifts of nature.

Rabbit tracks in the snow bring a smile to my heart every time ...

Two weeks later ...

I abandoned this post in lieu of living life quietly and letting Mother Nature deal with the excess snow.

I smiled when I spotted rabbit tracks on the mountain of snow in our front yard and was absolutely delighted when this happened:

 

Did you spot it? The rabbit hiding in plain sight??

Ahh ... the joys of rabbit-spotting. There is really nothing quite like it.

This winter station break was so much more enjoyable knowing it will all soon be gone.

But I'm glad for the moments it brought to us, right in our own front yard.

The Storm

                                             Yesterday                                                    Today

Presently

 

Yesterday

Presently

And yes ... it is still snowing.

Thankfully, reinforcements are coming tomorrow. I know a guy with a skid steer. Lucky me!